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Why do strippers always ask me if I have a girlfriend? No, if I had a girlfriend I wouldn’t be drunk in a dark club throwing money at naked women. I’d be at home, drunk, having really kinky, borderline illegal sex with her.

So, you know how normal girls will put you in the “friend zone”? I think that’s like strippers putting you in the “client zone.” You’d just like to think you mean more to her!

When did I allow the AMBER alert app to send me push notifications? 

So, she said, “wait a second, you’ve got some lipstick on your face.” And she wiped it off. And she said, “I don’t want you to get in trouble.” What she didn’t know is that I can’t actually “get in trouble.” But I thought that was very considerate of her.

I just got a lap dance from a girl with a higher level of education than me. I would like the record to reflect this.

I don’t want to brag or anything, but strippers seem to really like me.

Holy fuck. I forgot how much I love strippers. Just kidding!! I didn’t 🙂

I must say this. Lyrically, my favorite song of all time is “Hook” by Blues Traveler. It’s just flat out fucking incredible.

I’m 4 in reverse dog years.