The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Well, apparently I make girls feel insecure just by being reticent and stoic and not showering them with compliments all day long. Well isn’t that just fucking wonderful, let me add that to my list of things to do today. Hmmm, let’s see, wake up, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, get dressed, coddle you by being an obsequious little lap dog and smothering you with praise so as to ameliorate your insecurities, then I think I’ll take my lunch. Ha, I’m just kidding. But seriously this is kind of a problem. Well, I’ll just need to find a girl who isn’t insecure. And I’ll find her right after I find El Dorado and the fountain of youth. Ha! I’m going to die alone. I feel like I say that a lot. You can say that again. Yes I can.

Hello, my name is Dave Charlie and I would like to tell you all about my new university, University of Fuck You Give Me All Your Parents’ Money or Go into Large Amounts of Debt, or UFYGMAYPMOGILAD for short. UFYGMAYPMOGILAD is a private university founded by Dave Charlie in 2013. Is not accredited by the state of California or any other state or country, it is accredited by Dave Charlie’s board of education, which Dave Charlie also just created and no one can stop him.

Here at UFYGMAYPMOGILAD we value money, your money. Which becomes our money. In return, you get to drink egregious amounts of alcohol, do drugs, sit around playing video games, and have casual sex with your classmates. Oh, and you will also get your degree, which you will need in order to do anything.

We place a strong emphasis on hypocrisy. And nothing screams hypocrisy like having your parents/the government pay out the ass for young children to come to a hedonistic paradise filled with underage drinking, drugs, sloth, and sexual promiscuity all under the guise of getting an education. Here, you will spend 4-6 years learning some semi-worthwhile stuff maybe and graduating with a major that will likely have nothing to do with the job you actually get.

List of colleges:
-At Least You’ll Have Your Degree, College of Letters, Arts and Sciences
-You’ll Probably End Up in Management, School of Engineering
-You’ll Have to Go to Grad School, School of Business.
-I’m Seriously Dying Laughing Right Now, School of Communication

We also have a strong Greek system that really embodies our devotion to hypocrisy. We have over 30 fraternities and sororities that claim to be “brotherhoods” and “sisterhoods” who give back to the community and hold charity events, but in actuality their only real concern is getting wasted and having sex with each other.

The application is due by January 10th. The application fee is 1000 dollars. We will notify you by May 1st of our decision to admit you. If you don’t get in, your life is over.

Kurt Cobain’s next album would have been so fucking epic.

Yeah, my sports team who I really have nothing to do with and merely admire from afar has won more championships than your sports team who you really have nothing to do with and merely admire from far, and therefore I am better than you and will talk shit to you and try to make you feel insecure.

When you’ve been out of college for a few years, and you end up at a college type party, chances are you’ll find it ridiculous. I’m not saying you’ll be over drinking or women or socializing or dancing individually and under all circumstances, but the combination of shitty beer, cheap vodka, slutty girls, machismo, transparent promiscuity, sweaty grinding, and hip hop music, you probably will. Or at least I’d hope so, for your sake.

“Tourists travel to take pictures. Adventurers travel para vida. Comprendes?” – Dave Charlie

What’s the opposite of sexually active? Sexually passive. I had a girlfriend once who was like that. Man, I had to do all the work.

Expectations pave the road to disappointment. Also genital warts.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. I’m not a misogynist, I’m a misanthrope. If I dated men I would have more to say about their flaws, but I don’t date men. And thankfully so, because they’re probably way worse. And hairy. And smelly.

Look, I can’t change the fucking weather or make the bus be on time or keep you from getting tired so I’m not responsible for any of that which I cannot control. ERGO, shut the fuck up about it. Go call one of your whorey friends and swap complaining dissertations then talk shit about each other later. Deal?