The Official Website of Dave Charlie

“As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.” – Socrates

I just saw a girl who looks like Jennifer White. I understand that this is meaningless to most people.

So, I just had a long conversation with my publisher, and he says I really need to stop talking to myself because it’s freaking people out.

I’d say there’s a 50% chance I die alone, and a 50% chance I die in a severe state of dementia with my imaginary lover.

A child is like a small business, a startup company. You need  to pour in a lot of initial capital to get it going, and even then there’s no guarantee your investment will pan out. And your investment may end up sleeping on your couch. And eating your food. And clogging your toilet. But, that’s the risk you take with startup companies. It a volatile market, guys, I’m sorry.

Man, if I ever have kids, I hope they’re looking forward to their “daddy was never there, had to pull myself up by my bootstraps” perseverance story. At least they can write a book about their hardships and become successful authors. I’m doing them a favor really.

On multiple occasions people have mentioned to me something to the effect of, “your demeanor and social comportment don’t match your writing.” They’re absolutely right. And the reason for this disparity is simply this. So I can have some fucking goddamn friends, you crazy motherfuckers!!! Who the fuck would want to hang out with Dave Charlie on a consistent basis??

If you’ve ever said, “He’s not only my boyfriend, he’s my best friend.” Then I don’t want to be friends with you.  Or your boyfriend.

I’ve been going about this marriage thing all wrong. Instead of thinking about it as, she gets half my shit, I need to start thinking about it as, I get half HER shit! Who wants to marry me? And has money. And is ok with me neglecting you and mistreating you and making you feel insecure in an effort to drive you to cheat on me so I can file for divorce? Come on, ladies, get it while it’s hot.