The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Some people are just so stupid. I am so fucking jealous of them.

Well, the silver lining here is you can make up some bullshit benefit when something fucked up happens to you.

All girls are crazy, so the goal is to find the hottest one you can so fucking her brains out makes up for all the insanity she subjects you to.

When I talked to the Scottish guys, they said the French girls were the hottest. When I talked to the French guys, they said the Dutch girls were the hottest. When I talked to the Dutch guys, they said the German girls. The German guys said the Czech girls, and the Czech guys said the Spanish girls. Moral of the story, the sugar down the street is always sweeter than the sugar in your backyard.

All the red sparrow has to do to attract a mate is fluff up his feathers. Meanwhile, I have to go to college, get a job, make money, work endlessly, buy a car, rent an apartment, try not to get too fat, shave every day, drive over to pick her up, buy her dinner, make small talk, hide my insane thoughts and maniacal opinions, drive her back, respect her moral integrity, text/call enough to show I’m interested but not too much that I come across as desperate, take her to several more dinners and possibly frozen yogurt, find a parking spot, walk upstairs, make sure I have some little plastic penis sleeves, and then, FINALLY, my feathers are fluffed. Fuck red sparrows.

I’m fairly certain that one day I’m gonna open the mail and I’m going to find an invoice for my childhood. Everything from diapers through the last box of Cheez-Its I ate. I’m just waiting.