The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Look, relax, I’m not gonna kill anybody, it’s called “hyperbole.” Say it with me, kids, H-Y-P-E-R-B-O-L-E. Very good, now your homework for tonight is to chill the fuck out.

If you’re a girl and you’re about to enter some sort of social situation with me and you’re in one of those “I’m so tired so I’m going to complain constantly about everything and be absolutely impossible in every way,” do me a favor and kill yourself first. The end result is going to be the same regardless, but this way I don’t have to buy a bunch of bleach and a new hacksaw blade and chop you up into little itty bitty pieces and feed you to stray dogs and dry out your bones and grind them into a fine powder and snort them off your hand mirror with a tampon applicator I found in your bag, it just makes life easier for me, ok?

My 1000th post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve accomplished nothing! Ummmm, I’m drunk, shall we?

“That dog is mad-dogging me.”
“That’s because it has rabies.”

Ok, serious question. If I murdered a seagull, could I get charged with a crime in the state of California?

Oh, you’re too tired to give me a blow job? Hmmm seems like I’m too tired to pay for dinner. Funny how that works.

Would you like to know what the most effective form of birth control is? Works 100% of the time. It’s called “blow jobs.”

Is this neighborhood safe? Oh, wait, I see some hipsters, never mind.

I sincerely wish I never found out what Spanx were.

If I ever get to the age of 50, please stab me in the face.