The Official Website of Dave Charlie

I know that I may at times appear to be calm and laid back in person, but I assure you I am like freaking the fuck out all day long.

Hi, my name is Dave and I’m an alcoholic. Ok, what’s the next step? I hope it doesn’t involve not drinking.

If you are ever carrying around anything weird, just say it’s for a photo shoot or a movie and people will go from skeptical/worried to intrigued. Works every time. Unless you carry around dead hookers. Then I suggest you stop killing your hookers.

What did the judge give the guy who was caught smoking marijuana? Joint custody! High five!

You ran out of “bottomless mimosas?” Hmmmm, well, I know I didn’t graduate from college or anything, but I’m having a little trouble understanding this. Maybe you should “change your menu” and “call it something different.”

I want you to know that if any of my friends turns out to be gay, I fully support you. Figuratively.

I feel like we don’t have fun anymore. We still have fun, right? I mean, I’m still fun, right? Right?

It’s better if you don’t think of me as an actual person. Think of me purely as an author. Although a bad one. You’ll have an easier time comprehending this, and you’ll hate me a lot less.

I just saw the fattest baby I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Are baby diabetes cuter than regular diabetes?

Hi, Gene, you smell like shit.