The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Strippers are my guilty pleasure. Minus the guilt.

I only smoke when I drink. Which is everyday.

In case you haven’t noticed, pleats are out. Try to keep up.

I’m not going to beg to do something nice for you, so this is how it’s going to work. I’ll say,  “[insert favor here].” And if you say no, then I will ask you one more time, “are you sure?” And if you say yes, then that’s it. Not gonna ask you again.

I may be many things, but a liar is not one of them.

You want to see my resume? You mean that page of hyperbole and half-truths where I manipulate and exaggerate all the things I’ve done, that I send to people I want to work for so they’ll bring me in so I can lie to them that I don’t get shitfaced and have casual sex on weekends? That document? Would you like to see it? Do you know some people you can pass it along to? I’m so grateful for this opportunity. I look forward to our future correspondence. Warmest Regards, Go Fuck Yourselves. P.S. I dropped out of college.

Can you not use all your ridiculous acronyms? CBS is a fucking TV channel as far as I’m concerned, why, why on earth would I ever consider that it means Columbia Business School? You can take your API and stick it up your BBW and STFU

Are you the girl who looks over the menu just commenting on how fattening everything is? Don’t talk to me ever again.

If your baby is ugly, as a baby, that doesn’t bode well.

Oh man, I am thirsty, I think I’ll drink a cold beer and dehydrate myself even more.