The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Whenever I see a pregnant woman, I always whisper to the person I’m with, “wow, look how fat she is.” Most people get the joke. Some do not.

Someone told me that I have pretty decent content, but I need to work on marketing and promotion. That sounds like a lot of goddamn work, fuck that shit.

Are you hungry? I mean, I’m not super hungry, but I could eat. Or we could just wait. Maybe we could split something. Do you have any cash? All I have is my Amex. I could do sushi. Or maybe we should just get a snack. Have you ever tried funnel cake? I hear the funnel cake here is amazing. Nah, too many calories. If we get a snack we need to get a healthy snack. Like a salad. We could each get side salads, or we could split a full salad. What do you think? – I think your boyfriend is frantically looking for sharp objects to thrust into his abdomen, but that’s just me.

Just kidding, I really don’t want to glorify being an accessory to infidelity, but I thought that was funny. In a dark, dark, really sad, heartbreaking way.

Your girlfriend is giving another guy a blow job, right this very second. It’s not very good.

First rule to being a good writer is to shut the fuck up about “being a writer.”

Hey, follow me on Twitter! Not. You can fellate me instead if you’d like, it’s kind of similar.

Human existence is pathetic, online dating is proof.

Oh, what were saying? Sorry, I was texting my ex girlfriend.

I’m looking for a cool “scene.” Everybody is going to determine my worth by what “scene” I’m in. I need to be in a cool one or I won’t have any self-esteem.