The Official Website of Dave Charlie

Do you feel violated yet? Good.

Yes, when you sleep with a girl, any girl who isn’t a prostitute, and then you leave, she doesn’t like it. Surprise!

Men are disgusting physically. Like absolutely disgusting. They’re nasty. They’re hairy, sweaty, smelly, they fart and are often fat and jiggly and gross and wow, I feel bad for women, how do you stand hooking up with us? Go be lesbians or something, I don’t know.

You’ve reached the Los Angeles Police Department, if you have an emergency please log on to our website at www. 911 .com and click on the “chat” button. An officer will be better able to assist you.

This is how I imagine the uncle Dave talk going:
“Mommy, what kind of job does Uncle Dave have?”
“Well, honey, that’s a difficult question. He does [insert some bullshit menial job here] in order to make money, but what he likes to do is write stories.”
“What kind of stories?”
“Ummm…adult stories.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, they’re stories that only adults can read.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Who wants ice cream??”
“Oooo, me!!!!!!”

I hate “artists.” I hate them so much. Shut up about your “artistic process” and how you draw inspiration from blah blah blah, and you can’t “work” unless you have the “ideal ambiance.” I don’t want to hear about your pompous dependence on your own supposed suffering, I fucking hate you.

I run a full service Fuck You Agency. Full service 😉

Some girl told me I’m not a good role model for the youth of America. Fuck that bitch, what does she know?? Right?!!

You could die tomorrow. Thought you should know.

Your best friend fucked your girlfriend. Just kidding! Maybe. You tell me.