The Official Website of Dave Charlie

I’m definitely drinking more working for a startup than I did in college. Sleeping less. Making more money. Getting laid less. Eating about the same. Living conditions are similar. Self esteem is slightly higher. Despite being slightly fatter. All in all I think it’s going ok.

The intern – “You guys work A LOT, I mean, you’re in your mid-twenties, don’t you have to start a family soon?” No, Amy, actually I don’t have to fucking do anything, but thank you for your input.

Do you want some more mashed potatoes? Do you want some more mashed potatoes? Do you want to watch a movie? Is my blue shirt clean? Do you want some more mashed potatoes?

I want to try this at some point. When someone is telling me a really long, drawn out, stupidly boring, pointless story, I just want to wave my hand in front of their face like Obi Wan Kenobi and say, “And that’s the end of the story.”

I don’t get it.

Hi. Listen to me. Please just hear me out. Ok. I know nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Ok. Just making sure that’s clear.

Someone told me I should take a screenwriting class so I can learn what’s supposed to be accomplished in each act. I didn’t take the class, but I figured it out anyway. Act I, I write whatever I want and you suck my dick. Act II, I write whatever I want and you suck my dick. Act III and IV are very similar to I and II. Act V, Dave doesn’t ever sell a single screenplay and it doesn’t matter because he wrote exactly what the fuck he wanted and had a splendid time 🙂

One day I will have to choose. One day I will have to choose between writing and something else I care about very much. It may break my heart, but at least I have something to write about. I don’t expect you to understand, I don’t even fully understand myself.

“That sounds just splendid! Remington, dear, would you care to join us?”
“Why, mother, I would love to attend, but I have a prior engagement to play polo with Reginald and Beaumont. Another time?”
“Oh, ’tis a pity. Well, do be careful and I hope to see you for afternoon tea.”
“Indeed.”

And if I deliberately do not have children and choose to live a selfish, hedonistic life, you can’t say shit. In fact, I’m doing you guys a favor. Overpopulation is a huge concern. In 2000 we had 6.08 billion people on this planet, now in 2013 we have 7.17 billion. That’s extra space and resources for you and your family. You really can’t say shit. In fact, I expect a formal thank you from everyone in the form of gift baskets filled with assorted wines and cheeses. You’re welcome.