The Official Website of Dave Charlie

If you’re dead to me, can you do me a favor and not call, text, or email me? You’re wasting my phone/computer’s battery. If you’re not sure if you’re dead to me, here are some helpful hints:
-I never call you back
-I never text you back
-I never email you back
If you’re still not sure, I suggest a casein-gluten-free diet, because you might be autistic.

If I ask you a question and your wife answers, you’re dead to me.

Whoa, whoa, never ask a man his age. Just kidding, that doesn’t really matter. Never ask a man how much money he makes.

Well, I’m definitely going to die alone. But I’m feeling better and better about it every day 🙂

Look, physical attractiveness in women generally tends to correspond with fertility. Sorry, I didn’t make the rules.

32? Eek. She’s getting overripe. She’s one of the pieces of fruit the grocery store puts at the front of the shelf.

Some vaginas are yucky.

Fuck. I just realized that, as far as the government is concerned, I am unemployed, homeless, and possibly mentally handicapped. Goddammit.

I have a priority list. And you aren’t at the top.

Eventually, my writing might start to infringe upon my personal life. Sorry, personal life!!