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“Tourists travel to take pictures. Adventurers travel para vida. Comprendes?” – Dave Charlie

What’s the opposite of sexually active? Sexually passive. I had a girlfriend once who was like that. Man, I had to do all the work.

Expectations pave the road to disappointment. Also genital warts.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. I’m not a misogynist, I’m a misanthrope. If I dated men I would have more to say about their flaws, but I don’t date men. And thankfully so, because they’re probably way worse. And hairy. And smelly.

Look, I can’t change the fucking weather or make the bus be on time or keep you from getting tired so I’m not responsible for any of that which I cannot control. ERGO, shut the fuck up about it. Go call one of your whorey friends and swap complaining dissertations then talk shit about each other later. Deal?

Guys, I’ve got so much material for my next book. It’s all very disorganized right now and not all written down, but there is so much stuff. Hopefully I can get it all together soon so my 35 readers can get the next installment. They’re chomping at the bit.

I’m gonna get married and have a couple of rugrats and get a little dog, and play catch in the park with my son and get ice cream and buy a little house with a garden and a black picket fence.

Look, I’m really sorry, give me a second chance, I’ve changed I swear. The man you dated then doesn’t exist anymore, I’ve grown up and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and you are the love of my life. I love you. Please take me back. Haha, have you ever fallen for that? What an idiot! Haha!

If anyone ever really pisses me off, I think this is what I’m going to say, “hey, wait, one second, I’m fantasizing about having sex with your mother. I don’t even know her name, and I’m fucking her in the ass!”

Guys, it’s cancer. A lot of people have been asking what my astrological sign is, and that’s what it is.