Category Archives: Uncategorized

“Potential” is probably my least favorite word ever.

Has there ever been a commercial during the holidays with a voice over reciting “The Night Before Christmas” and once they get to the line “not even a mouse” then the camera stops panning and focuses on someone setting up a brand new computer for their loved one and the voice over pauses and he says something to the effect “well, maybe a mouse.” And we all smirk and they sell computers. Has that been done before? Should I start copyrighting my ideas so people don’t steal them? No one wants to steal them anyway? Perfect!!

New word, “journaling.” Journalism is taken because it is understood to mean: “the occupation of reporting, writing, editing, photographing, or broadcasting news or of conducting any news organization as a business.” So we need another noun form of the verb “journal” that means “to write in your journal.” And so there you go.

Anyone who can create another human being inside their body, I can’t trust ’em! No way! That’s some freaky shit!

Antman is the worst fucking superhero, I really hope they don’t make a Hollywood feature film with him. A superhero who is a fucking pacifist and shrinks down and rides around on a flying ant? I’d rather see Darkwing Duck 3D

If you ever want to freak yourself out, just Google your mild symptoms. You’ll come away convinced you have cystic fibrosis, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, and cancerous leprosy.

I’m hungry. Mmm. Now I’m thirsty. Ahhh. Now I’m tired. Yawwwn. Now I need to go to the bathroom. Phew. I’m hungry again.

Sometimes, when people read stuff I’ve written and then see me in person, they will look at me funny, like they want to poke me and have all those thoughts come spilling out. Or they’re just formulating an escape plan.

If I were a girl with a boyfriend but wasn’t married and was bitter about it, whenever Beyoncé’s single ladies song came on at a bar or club I would start dancing really provocatively and get my hands up and shake my ring finger and really shove it in his face. That would be a good way to foster a healthy marriage.