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So I’ve met quite a few people out here  who tell me they are “studying a broad.” I would like to study a broad. With my penis.

I am a devout agnostic.

Yeah, uh huh, totally, you gotta learn to love yourself before you should go fuck up in a relationship.

I’m trying to watch this documentary called “When Porn Ends” because I am legitimately interested in what happens to these people who are catapulted to stardom and wealth at a very young age, only to get chewed up, branded with a stigma, and spit out into the real world. But every time a former porn star is interviewed I have to go and Google her and find a video! Goddammit, I’m never gonna get through this fucking documentary!

Hall of Fame defensive tackle Alan Page, my favorite football player of all time. When asked about his one career shortcoming, not winning a Superbowl, he replied:

“It’s just, you know, it’s another football game. I suppose if it were more than that, if it were the end of the world, the spectacular that’s it’s made out to be, then I’d be somewhat more concerned about winning and losing. Come Monday morning I’m gonna be on my way back to Minnesota to law school, and Tuesday morning when I’m in class, I’m just gonna be like everybody else sittin’ there in class. It’s not gonna be that big a deal.” – Alan Page

“It is legal work, but it’s fucking. With pictures. People say, ‘well, you know, you should go into politics.’ It’s like, there’s too many pictures of me with dicks in my ass, it IS NOT going to happen.” – Nina Hartley

“You keep it going man, you keep those books rolling, you pick up those books you’re going to read and not remember and you roll man. You get that associate’s degree, okay, then you get your bachelor’s, then you get your master’s, then you get your master’s master’s, then you get your doctorate, you go man. Then when everybody says quit, you show them those degrees man, when everybody says ‘hey, you’re not working, you’re not making in money,’ you say look at my degrees and you look at my life. Yeah I’m 52, so what, hate all you want, but I’m smart, I’m so smart, and I’m in school, and these guys are out here making money all these ways, and I’m spending mine to be smart. You know why? Because when I die, buddy, you know what’s going to keep me warm? That’s right, those degrees.”

“Told ’em I finished school, and I started my own business
They say, ‘Oh you graduated?’
No, I decided I was finished.”

“Now beat that. And your mothers saying ‘go to college.’ So you finish college and it’s wonderful! You feel so good. And after all the partying and crazing, and don’t forget about that drug habit you picked up at school, being around your peers! Hey! Now you’ll get that 25 thou job a year and you’ll be spending all your money on crack cocaine, but it’ll be your money. No more borrowing money from mom for my high! So now you get your degree tattooed on your back. You’re so excited about it. If you continue to work at the GAP, after several interviews, Oh my god! You’ll come in at an entry level position. And when you do that, if you kiss enough ass, you’ll move up to the next level which is being a secretary’s secretary! And boy is that great. You get to take messages for the secretary who never went to college. She’s actually the boss’s niece, so now you’re part of the family. You know what college does for you? It makes you really smart, man. All of you kids wanted to talk at the back of the class, not me, I listened. OK?  I was a hall monitor. This was meant to be. You know how many classes I took? Extra classes, extra classes? No I’ve never had sex, but you know what? My degree keeps me satisfied. When a lady walks to me and says ‘Hey! You know what’s sexy?’ I say ‘No, I don’t know what it is but I bet I can add up all the change in your purse very fast.'”