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Here’s a tip. Silence cuts the deepest. I’m not a monster, I just refuse to smile through my teeth. Genuine smiles only 🙂

Why do we say each individual letter in the PSAT and then for the LSAT, we only say the “L” and then pronounce “sat” as the past tense of “sit”? Huh? Hey, you, I’m talking to you. Give me some fucking answers. Stop sitting idly just accepting everything that gets shoved down your gullet. “Well, ummm, that’s just the way it is I guess.” And then you fucking go turn on the TV and watch reruns of 90s sitcoms and eat Pepperidge Farm cookies until you fall asleep to the faint sound of Joey Tribbiani’s lovable idiocy with Milano dust on your chin. Goddammit, you are of no use to me.

If you ever buy me that Doctor Seuss book “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” I will fucking slit your throat.

If I ask you a question and your girlfriend answers for you, you’re dead to me.

I’m going to make this as succinct as possible. You have three options: live, die, or rot.

American Pharaoh won the Triple Crown. I was glued to the TV. Sorry, I used the “g” word.

Are you hungry? I mean, I’m not super hungry, but I could eat. Or we could just wait. Maybe we could split something. Do you have any cash? All I have is my Amex. I could do sushi. Or maybe we should just get a snack. Have you ever tried funnel cake? I hear the funnel cake here is amazing. Nah, too many calories. If we get a snack we need to get a healthy snack. Like a salad. We could each get side salads, or we could split a full salad. What do you think? – I think your boyfriend is frantically looking for sharp objects to thrust into his abdomen, but that’s just me.

My dog is pansexual, and I accept him for who he is goddammit.

Godammit, Ballantine Ale is so fucking awesome, I can’t stand it. 

Remember when dogs used to have jobs? They were employees essentially. You gave them room and board. And in exchange, they pulled your sled, retrieved the duck you shot for dinner, herded your sheep, killed vermin. Now they’re just practice runs for having children.