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If you’re a 7 when I’m hammered, that means you’re like a 4. Fuck, not only am I shallow, I’m mean. Fuck. I’m shallow and mean.

See the problem with a manager or agent for me, is when the business side believes that they control the creative side, that they decide who gets exposure etc, I say fuck that. Fuck your corporate, suit-clad bullshit, you don’t control shit. Well, you kinda do, but I’m gonna tell you to fuck yourselves anyway. In Hearts, this is called “shooting the moon.” If you need me, I’ll be at the soup kitchen.

I got an email from Amazon telling me I just made $10.30 off my book! Drinks on me!!!!! 😉 🙂 😀 😀 😀

The problem with condoms is, if you start to think about the physical implications of why you actually need them, you’re no longer in the mood.

Going to see a stripper is just like having a girlfriend, except you have to spend money if you want to get her naked. Shit, hmmmmm, I need to rephrase that.

When does In-n-Out close? 1 AM?? Phew!!!

This is not a fucking dialogue, it’s a soliloquy. But you can comment a little bit every once in a while. EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE.

I don’t lash out irrationally. I lash out rationally. Hence Dave Charlie 🙂

Awww, your baby’s so cute, get it away from me.

I’m gonna give you some really good advice despite the fact that I’m a bitterly sarcastic douche bag. Ready? Be a tourist in your own city. We get so wrapped up in work and our day-to-day lives, we often miss awesome stuff in our own backyards.