Category Archives: Uncategorized

Guys, can you help me out? I need some new skinny jeans. Like skinny skinny. Like REALLY REALLY skinny, not just “slim cut.” I need them to be like anorexic jeans. Ideas?

Ok, tentative plan. Date a really hot, really stupid celebrity and then write all about it. Now I just need to figure out how I’m going to get enough money and social status to pull a hot celebrity. Sex tape!!!!!! With Oprah.

Look, ok, if I walk through the Tenderloin, I’m more worried about getting hepatitis than I am about getting mugged.

“Life is really about shutting the fuck up with all your stupid clichés and metaphors I hate you.” -Dave Charlie  🙂

Apparently I “break the fourth wall” often in my writing. I’ve just been calling it “doing whatever the fuck I want shut the fuck up you fucking douche bags.” Just different terms for the same thing, that’s all.

Look, relax, I’m not gonna kill anybody, it’s called “hyperbole.” Say it with me, kids, H-Y-P-E-R-B-O-L-E. Very good, now your homework for tonight is to chill the fuck out.

If you’re a girl and you’re about to enter some sort of social situation with me and you’re in one of those “I’m so tired so I’m going to complain constantly about everything and be absolutely impossible in every way,” do me a favor and kill yourself first. The end result is going to be the same regardless, but this way I don’t have to buy a bunch of bleach and a new hacksaw blade and chop you up into little itty bitty pieces and feed you to stray dogs and dry out your bones and grind them into a fine powder and snort them off your hand mirror with a tampon applicator I found in your bag, it just makes life easier for me, ok?

My 1000th post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve accomplished nothing! Ummmm, I’m drunk, shall we?

“That dog is mad-dogging me.”
“That’s because it has rabies.”

Ok, serious question. If I murdered a seagull, could I get charged with a crime in the state of California?