Category Archives: Uncategorized

Hmmm, Apple, have you thought about actually hiring some fucking coders, so in addition to everything looking pretty, iCloud ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS and I don’t end up with 6 versions OF THE SAME NOTE. If Google can figure it out, so can you. But you won’t. You’re just gonna hire some more graphic designers in gay turtle necks to make my 6 identical notes look really streamlined and sexy. Thank you for sucking giant horse dick as your company slowly spirals out of control without Steve Jobs. I’m going to get the iPhone 5S anyway because I’m a giant moron and a masochist. Shut up and kiss me already.

I hate Comcast. I hate Comcast with a fiery, fiery passion. Out of all the fucking cities out there, you’d think that San Francisco, one of the biggest tech hubs in the world, would have decent wifi. But no, this is not the case. Instead we all have to bow to maniacal tyrant that is Comcast and get overcharged for shitty internet. Hello? Is there anyone else out there? Have you heard of capitalism? My communist internet company is fucking me in the ass over here, and you’re just sitting and watching. I don’t even have a good ass.

How come no one comments on my blog? Don’t you guys like me? No? You don’t like me? 😦 Why not? I like you 🙂

I value today more than I value tomorrow, I value tomorrow more than I value the day after that. I value you more than I value the person I’m going to meet tomorrow. At least until tomorrow, then we’ll see.

No, I’m not an actor. Actually, wait, I am. I’m an actor because I’m pretending not to be utterly disgusted by your obsequious devotion to false idols. Aaannndd scene. 

I know that I may at times appear to be calm and laid back in person, but I assure you I am like freaking the fuck out all day long.

Hi, my name is Dave and I’m an alcoholic. Ok, what’s the next step? I hope it doesn’t involve not drinking.

If you are ever carrying around anything weird, just say it’s for a photo shoot or a movie and people will go from skeptical/worried to intrigued. Works every time. Unless you carry around dead hookers. Then I suggest you stop killing your hookers.

What did the judge give the guy who was caught smoking marijuana? Joint custody! High five!

You ran out of “bottomless mimosas?” Hmmmm, well, I know I didn’t graduate from college or anything, but I’m having a little trouble understanding this. Maybe you should “change your menu” and “call it something different.”