Category Archives: Uncategorized

I want you to know that if any of my friends turns out to be gay, I fully support you. Figuratively.

I feel like we don’t have fun anymore. We still have fun, right? I mean, I’m still fun, right? Right?

It’s better if you don’t think of me as an actual person. Think of me purely as an author. Although a bad one. You’ll have an easier time comprehending this, and you’ll hate me a lot less.

I just saw the fattest baby I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Are baby diabetes cuter than regular diabetes?

Hi, Gene, you smell like shit.

Strippers are my guilty pleasure. Minus the guilt.

I only smoke when I drink. Which is everyday.

In case you haven’t noticed, pleats are out. Try to keep up.

I’m not going to beg to do something nice for you, so this is how it’s going to work. I’ll say,  “[insert favor here].” And if you say no, then I will ask you one more time, “are you sure?” And if you say yes, then that’s it. Not gonna ask you again.

I may be many things, but a liar is not one of them.