Category Archives: Uncategorized

You want to see my resume? You mean that page of hyperbole and half-truths where I manipulate and exaggerate all the things I’ve done, that I send to people I want to work for so they’ll bring me in so I can lie to them that I don’t get shitfaced and have casual sex on weekends? That document? Would you like to see it? Do you know some people you can pass it along to? I’m so grateful for this opportunity. I look forward to our future correspondence. Warmest Regards, Go Fuck Yourselves. P.S. I dropped out of college.

Can you not use all your ridiculous acronyms? CBS is a fucking TV channel as far as I’m concerned, why, why on earth would I ever consider that it means Columbia Business School? You can take your API and stick it up your BBW and STFU

Are you the girl who looks over the menu just commenting on how fattening everything is? Don’t talk to me ever again.

If your baby is ugly, as a baby, that doesn’t bode well.

Oh man, I am thirsty, I think I’ll drink a cold beer and dehydrate myself even more.

Hey, wanna hook up for awhile until one of us finds someone we actually like?

I know I haven’t been paying much attention to you guys, I’ve just been really busy with things that actually make me money. I know, I know, no excuses, I’m sorry. Let’s see what I have in my bag of tricks. Just a bunch of dead hookers! Get it?? Bag of tricks? Just kidding! They’re still alive. But honestly, there is some debate on the topic of what a “trick” is. It had usually referred to the “john” or a prostitute’s clientele, hence the term “turning tricks,” which is slang for, “optimizing inventory turnover rate in order to maximize net yield in a given pay period (usually one evening).” But in 1992, Dr. Dre came out with his hit rap song, “Bitches Ain’t Shit” in which he refers to the women themselves as “tricks.” This sparked an evolution in the use of the vernacular. Therefore, in conclusion, your mother’s a whore.

I like silly hats 🙂

Yeah, “nowhere” can be perceived as “no-where.” But it can also be perceived as “now-here.” Blows your mind, doesn’t it?

Well, I lost in fantasy football. Luckily, there are more important things going on in my life, things that truly matter in the grand scheme of things. Things that actually possess real bearing on the quality of my life. Like real football! Daaaa Bbbeeeaarrsss!!!