Category Archives: Uncategorized

No one wants to hear about how much fun you had in your fraternity.

Argh, my phone died. I can’t get home. I have no means to navigate anywhere because I am shamefully dependent on technology and can in no way think for myself and am totally incapable of talking to people I don’t know. This is it. It was nice knowing you guys.

Do you know what the difference is between a fiancée and a fiancé? I’ll give you a hint. One is planning the wedding and the other is watching football.

Here’s a comprehensive list of people who could make me stop writing:
1. Santa Claus
2. The Tooth Fairy
3. Captain America
4. Spider-man
5. The little mermaid

Wow, all of a sudden I have “an interesting background.” I just thought I was a dropout who dicked around bartending and valet parking, worked in entertainment for awhile, and then said fuck everything and went to Europe. I guess manipulating people’s highly malleable perceptions is incontrovertibly correlated with utilizing felicitous vernacular.

European women really are insanely hot. Yes, please, just talk to me in whatever language you’re speaking in and sound really forcible and wear high heels and a bustier and whip me and spank me and sit on my face. That would be great.

I don’t know why people dislike tourists, tourists are great. They speak in other languages, they wear hilariously short shorts, they’re perpetually confused and lost and looking at maps, they are perplexed and amazed by your mundane, plus they bring money into the city. It’s win win win win win. And European women are really hot. Win.

Hello, person I talk to sporadically, please ask me about how, since I’ve moved to San Francisco, if I am now gay. It’s so funny and clever and original. Go ahead, let your expansive, inventive wit and humor run wild.

This movie sucks that movie sucks this band sucks that band sucks this restaurant sucks that restaurant sucks. You know what? You suck.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Just fucking with you 😉