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So, can I just have my friends pay a bunch of money to take me to some cool city and we all stay in a dope house or fancy hotel and party all weekend with liquor and strippers but then I just don’t get married afterward? That’s the only difference. Do you think my friends will go for that?

So, I went out in San Diego, and, well, I guess I forgot my tank top.

Listen to me very, very carefully. It’s not my fault your girlfriend is a a slut.

Well, San Diego girls are pretty damn hot, but I just can’t shake the “really fucking slutty” vibe. It very well may be totally misguided and erroneous, but it is undeniable nonetheless.

Goodbye Waze, you have been consumed by the Google empire.

“Lights out. Guerrilla radio. Turn that shit up.”

By the way, it’s called “self-deprecation.” The crucial word being “self.” If you attempt to join in, you’re not going to last very long. I will take away all of your opportunity to interact. Write that one down, it’s important.

I don’t even remember making that event.

I’ve made a decision. Every wedding I go to, and it’s looking to be about 6, every wedding I go to, I’m not fucking around with your stupid registry. I’m giving you cash, cold hard cash, and if you have a problem with cash you can uninvite me. Thanks. P.S. I’m serious.

You know what I love about writing? Writing is basically, “I talk, you listen.” It’s really great. What do you think? Oh right, it doesn’t matter! Hooray! Are we having fun yet?? I am 🙂