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Do you know why I predominantly write pieces that are 420 characters or less? Because you motherfuckers have the attention span of ferrets, and if I wrote anything longer you’d just lose interest and turn on some reality TV.

So did you guys like my screenplay? The one I emailed to you. Oh, you didn’t read it? Let me guess, you’ve just been sooooooo busy lately and haven’t had time? I understand wink wink, don’t worry, I don’t take it personally. I mean, in the end it’s your loss. A badass tranny playing poker and hooking up with chicks and mowing down the Russian mafia with a machine gun? It’s all there. Too bad for you.

Well, I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time before I buy a motorcycle. Don’t tell mom.

I think if I can keep my friends’ girlfriends/wives from killing me, I have a good solid 10 years left.

Man, I’m getting to the age where if I date laterally I’m going to find myself in the situation where I’m like, “Damn! She’s hot!! But she has a kid…..” I think I need to just go younger and younger within the confines of my legal responsibility. Yep. Well, I’m glad that’s settled.

Whenever I see a pregnant woman, I always whisper to the person I’m with, “wow, look how fat she is.” Most people get the joke. Some do not.

Someone told me that I have pretty decent content, but I need to work on marketing and promotion. That sounds like a lot of goddamn work, fuck that shit.

Are you hungry? I mean, I’m not super hungry, but I could eat. Or we could just wait. Maybe we could split something. Do you have any cash? All I have is my Amex. I could do sushi. Or maybe we should just get a snack. Have you ever tried funnel cake? I hear the funnel cake here is amazing. Nah, too many calories. If we get a snack we need to get a healthy snack. Like a salad. We could each get side salads, or we could split a full salad. What do you think? – I think your boyfriend is frantically looking for sharp objects to thrust into his abdomen, but that’s just me.

Just kidding, I really don’t want to glorify being an accessory to infidelity, but I thought that was funny. In a dark, dark, really sad, heartbreaking way.

Your girlfriend is giving another guy a blow job, right this very second. It’s not very good.