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Monogamy? Yeah, I had a coffee table made of that, hated that coffee table, ended up getting rid of it.

Dropping out of college was the best decision I ever made. Committing myself to writing was the second. Going to Europe on a one-way ticket was the third. Currently working on the fourth.

Ok, here’s basically how it works. With girls, it comes and it goes. I do whatever the fuck I want and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. But I never change my approach. Yes, pride’s a bitch. And that’s ok, because a lot of girls are too.

Omg!! We haven’t talked in forever!!!!!!!! And probably for a reason!!! Let’s not try to hang out!!!

Money can buy you a lot of things, but money can’t buy you charisma.

Do you feel violated yet? Good.

Yes, when you sleep with a girl, any girl who isn’t a prostitute, and then you leave, she doesn’t like it. Surprise!

Men are disgusting physically. Like absolutely disgusting. They’re nasty. They’re hairy, sweaty, smelly, they fart and are often fat and jiggly and gross and wow, I feel bad for women, how do you stand hooking up with us? Go be lesbians or something, I don’t know.

You’ve reached the Los Angeles Police Department, if you have an emergency please log on to our website at www. 911 .com and click on the “chat” button. An officer will be better able to assist you.

This is how I imagine the uncle Dave talk going:
“Mommy, what kind of job does Uncle Dave have?”
“Well, honey, that’s a difficult question. He does [insert some bullshit menial job here] in order to make money, but what he likes to do is write stories.”
“What kind of stories?”
“Ummm…adult stories.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, they’re stories that only adults can read.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Who wants ice cream??”
“Oooo, me!!!!!!”