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If your dogs wear shoes, I don’t want to be friends with you.

If I were looking to get married, I would lead with this: “Hi, my name is Dave, tell me about your relationship with your father or lack thereof.”

Don’t worry, we’re all in the BETA version too.

Free love. Man.

My spidey sense is tingling.

Person: “What did you do last night?”
Me: “My friend took me to an Avicii concert.”
Person: “Oh cool, how many songs did he play?”
Me: “Ummm, one, three hour song…I don’t think I understand the question.”

Holy fucking fuck balls, fuck, shit, piss, ass, cock, motherfucker!!!!!!. Oh man, I needed that, we’ll talk about it later.

“If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow. If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’d have fallen apart by now. If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow, powers that be would have swallowed me up but that’s more than I can allow. If you let them make you, they’ll make you papier-mâché, at a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes then you crumble and blow away. If you let them fuck you, there will be no foreplay. Rest assured, they’ll screw you complete til your ass is blue and gray. You should make amends with you, if only for better health. But if you really want to live, why not try and make yourself?” –Brandon Boyd

Tonight, I will give birth to Dave #3.