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Just because I’m reticent doesn’t mean I don’t care. You’ll know if I don’t give a fuck. I’ll draw you a diagram.

Yeah, your mom’s being immature.

Wow, _______ is so much better when I don’t have it for awhile.

For the love of God, get a match.com or eHarmony account.

This is like the scariest picture I’ve ever seen.

I’m a sociologist, anthropologist, journalist, and philosopher. Unfortunately, they’re all unpaid.

Let me guess. You’re working a lot and it’s hard to find time for your significant other? Or, you’re working a lot and it’s hard to find time to meet quality people? Or you’re working a lot and want me to shut the fuck up?

I was going to talk shit on Justin Beiber, but I decided against it. Because he’s filthy rich and probably had sex with more women by the age of 17 than I will my entire life.

Ok, girls, if you ask me, “How old do you think I am?” That is tantamount to you asking, “How much do you think I weigh?” And the answer is the same: “Fuck no, I’m not stupid, no way in hell.”

Well, DAVE, it’s not Randy’s fault that you’re not open to and accepting of many different types of people. Hey, hey, hey, whoa, I definitely am open to and accepting of many different types of people, sorry my initial INVOLUNTARY RESPONSE was pejorative, I’ll have to write a letter to THE CREATOR OF THE HUMAN RACE.