Category Archives: Uncategorized

And God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can…ummm, do something…I forget. What was I talking about again?

Well, I’ve got an hour to kill. Should we do some stretches?

I like my women how I like my roasted pine nut red pepper hummus. Organic.

List of top 10 things that scare me:
1. Babies
2. Wedding rings
3. Houses/mortgages
4. Mountain lions
5. Female ejaculation
6. Getting into any sort of accident where I am totally fucked up but do not have the capacity to kill myself
7. Herpes
8. Robots
9. Getting rufied and gang raped
10. My own thoughts

Babies are really starting to scare me. When they look at me I just feel like they’re saying, “take care of me, Dave. Help me. I need your help. If you don’t take care of me I’ll die.” And then my heart starts to beat really fast and I get slightly disoriented and I buy a pack of condoms.

I went to the gym for the first time in a really long time and I’m really proud of myself and I would like you to share this moment with me.

So, without getting into the disgustingly opulent back story, since returning from Europe I have been given sporadic use of a BMW 7 series automobile. And let me tell you, holy shit, nice cars are like porno for women, it’s kind of appalling. But, I’m kinda jealous too. I wish I could get that turned on by an inanimate object. Inanimate objects don’t get cold and tired! Ha, just kidding. Maybe. Ok, stop staring, it’s rude.

What’s the difference between buying a pack of jumbo condoms and buying a jumbo pack of condoms? Quality over quantity.

I love kids. There’s just something about young goats, I’m obsessed!

I am currently ring shopping. I’m looking for prostitution rings. I’m gonna buy one and run it. That’s gonna be my job.