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When I was 18, a lot of girls I knew had these loser older guy boyfriends. I was thinking, I could totally do that now!! I could definitely trick some dumbass 18 or 19 year old girl into thinking I’m worthwhile!!! This is so exciting!

My grandparents are just now really getting into the “old as fuck” stage, and let me tell you, old age is fucking depressing as shit. I mean, it’s really fucking depressing. You get dementia and your prostate fucks up and you can’t get a boner and your skin is falling off your bones and everything hurts and you spend all your time going to and from doctor’s offices, you forget everything, but then bring up stuff from like 50 years ago, and in general you just start fucking everything up, it sounds like a goddamn nightmare. Therefore, I have decided to start abusing alcohol even more, smoking cigarettes, I’m gonna buy a motorcycle, and I’m gonna take up hang gliding and big wave surfing. I’m also gonna do the responsible thing and get a vasectomy. I owe it to my future children to make sure they never exist. Don’t say I never did anything selfless

I forgot that my aunt is friends with me on Facebook. Well, she’s not really my aunt, but whatever fuck you. Anyway, I told her she should defriend me if she needs to. She said no, she finds it interesting, and it reminds her of Hunter S. Thompson. I got the biggest boner of my life that day. But then of course my automatic self-loathing mechanism kicked in so I didn’t start to get the wrong idea that I am actually a worthwhile person. Phew, right??

Well, I’ve talked to numerous people of various age groups, ethnicities, and backgrounds and the general consensus is, despite whether people think I’m crazy, stupid, or brave for doing it, the general consensus is that most everyone thinks travel is at least kinda cool. I think this was an integral step in making my life less of a joke

“I’m only playing music cuz you know I fucking love it.” – Cage. This has broader vocational applications in case you didn’t pick up on that.

No wedding is complete without the groom’s buddies joking about how much of a player he used to be.

“I live vicariously through myself.” – me, my quote, I made it up, yes I did and you can’t stop me.

It’s the weekend! Yay!!! Wait, my whole goddamn life is just one big weekend. The actual weekend is completely meaningless. Oops, I forgot. Hmmm, maybe I need more sleep, good idea.

Hey, where are you from? Oh, cool. Yeah, I’m from LA kinda but also some other places. Oh, you’re an actor/model/writer? Cool, I’m a writer/producer/actor. Yeah, we should collaborate on something. Before one of us goes to grad school or gets married.

“Will I ever get to where I’m going. And if I do, will I know when I am there?”